It is well....

Today at church, our guest worship leader was really open with us about things that had been going on in his life and the grace that God poured out on him despite his disobedience. It was really refreshing to hear such gut-wrenching honesty in church. You don't see it much anymore these days. Firewheel is pretty good about it, but it's still a church full of humans so, you know... Well, I was inspired, so here's some honesty...

I'm moving to Denver in eight months to start a church with friends. God called me to do this and I'm still not sure why. I have said yes and will not question his leading, but I am very interested to see what part He has me to play in it. I'm excited about it because it's so full of risk and it will require me to step out into what seems to be an empty space and trust that I will fall on the grace of God. I will be pulled and pushed and changed and worked on and prayerfully, I will become a different person, someone that is less like me and more like God. I'm scared about it because it's so full of risk and I'm still learning to trust God with the unknown. This will require money. Money to move me and all my crap up there, money saved up to live on in case I don't get a job right away. I'm scared because I don't make much money. I'm not a theologically smart person. I know the basics, but if you throw out too many seminary words, you'll lose me completely. Sometimes it's hard for me to meet new people. I can be very shy and awkward. My dad has been without a job for almost a month now... when will he find something and where in this country will God take him? My sweet sweet roommate is dating someone. This kind of thing is brand new for us and I haven't exactly taken it easily. I never realized till now that I didn't like sharing her. We've had some tearful talks and things are looking up, but that's today, I could be bombarded with more lies from the deceiver tomorrow that are easier to believe. I have wondered if she is not meant to come to Denver with me and this is God's plan to wean me off her constant companionship. That's another thing that scares me. My weeks have been emotional lately. I lost the one grandaddy I really knew. I cried about that. I had to watch my uncle who doesn't know the sweet hope that Jesus provides grieve terribly when he saw his daddy's empty shell. I cried about that too. Tears are good for the soul. They remind me that I'm fragile and that I'm not invincible. That I need Jesus, that I need people. They also make me feel alive. Hugs also make me feel alive. Through it all, I wake up everyday and pray desperately to know Jesus, to be changed to be like Him, to experience His grace that day. Just as the worship leader this morning saw grace in the sunrise, God gives it in various ways to me. Today it was in this:

"Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."