Learning Process...

Well, I have been unemployed for over a week now. It has seemed like much, much longer. I have gone back and forth on my feelings toward this situation. There are some days I feel really motivated and get lots done and search for jobs and other days I don't feel like doing anything. I have tried to keep my focus and stick to keeping my priorities straight: 1) God, 2) Jeremy and 3) everything else. It hasn't been easy and there are certainly days when I don't feel like putting in the work to make these my priorities. Some days I feel like making my priorities eating brownies and watching Project Runway. But I don't let myself.

I have been trying to give myself a project every day so that I feel at least a small sense of accomplishment every day. I've also starting working out. I've made it my goal to do some form of physical activity every day. Sometimes its hard to get out and do it, but I always feel better after I do.

My dedication to spending time with God every morning has been really good. Good in the way that He reminds me of His promises every day and I know that He will take care of me and also good in the way that when I make mistakes or learn yet another thing the hard way, I remember it is because God is working on me. He wants to make me holy and so He's got to burn away all these gross parts that I have let grow up in my heart. It really hurts sometimes, but I know that in the end I will be made complete. That's another one of His promises to me.

Yesterday Jeremy and I talked about where I'm at with finding a new job and we came to some conclusions together that I am very content with. There are two possibilities at Denver Rescue Mission right now. One is the coordinator for their clinic and another is a data processsor in their accounting department. I would be happy with either one and I think that they would both pay really well and not to mention, Jeremy and I would work at the same place. Another opportunity I have came through some research. Here in Colorado the requirements to be a preschool teacher are much stricter than in Texas and so my experience alone doesn't cut it. To be qualified as a lead teacher here I would need to take a couple Early Childhood classes at a community college. Well, through some research I found a test I can take that, if passed, will substitute for the two classes I am lacking and qualify me to do what I actually want to do. So where we stand now is that in October I will take this test and hope I pass so that then I can apply for lead teacher spots. In the meantime, I am waiting to hear back about one of these spots available at the mission. If one of them works out, then great, I'll be employed again. If not, then I will find some little job like making coffee to supplement our income until I am qualified to be a preschool teacher. I feel great peace about this plan and continue to pray for God's will to be done. He has been unfailingly good to us so far and I have no reason to doubt He will continue to do so.

I lost my job this week. On Wednesday, my preschool got shut down because of some unresolved issues with licensing and so I'm unemployed now. I realized yesterday that I don't really know what to do with myself now. I've never just been out of work like this. I'm actually kinda happy though. Even after two and a half months working there, I was still on the fence if that was the place I was supposed to be and wanted to be. I think God has greater things in store for me. What that includes I have no idea.

Yesterday I did the lazy, do nothing, mope around because I'm unemployed thing. Today I decided to not let that happen to me. I got up, took a shower, made coffee and spent a major chunk of time with the Lord. I hadn't done that in a long time and it was really good. And much needed. I didn't realize it until this morning, but I've been living with my priorities way out of whack. I would have told you that God came first and then Jeremy and then work and everything else, but in reality work sucked everything out of me and Jeremy just got my leftover energy and time and I never really made time for God at all. I think being temporarily unemployed will help me change that. Now I don't have the excuse of no time and energy for the important things. I'm dedicating myself to putting God first and foremost and Jeremy is a close second. Everything else comes after those two things. Those should be and now will be the most important things in my life.

As far as finding a new job... I have no idea what I'm going to do. It turns out that the position I was working in at Grace, I'm not actually qualified for and unfortunately that is the position that most every child care center is looking to fill. I'm wondering if maybe right now I need to find something that will benefit Jeremy and I more in terms of better pay and real benefits like vacation time and healthcare, rather than going after my heart's desire. I'm praying for wisdom. And lots of it. Because I'm clueless.

I know that God's word is true. And God's word tells me not to worry and it tells me that my heavenly Father most certainly cares for me and that He already knows all my needs. It tells me that He will give me everything I need and it tells me to rejoice when troubles come my way. God's word tells me that He is a refuge and a comfort to all those in need. And it tells me that God is faithful. It tells me that all these things are true and I believe it. I must believe it. He is my only hope. "When all around my soul gives way, He is all my hope and stay."

I used to blog and write in my journal all the time. I think over the years I've stopped because I talk more with people rather than just putting my thoughts on paper, but there are days I do miss having things written down for me to remember later on. So I will try to blog more often. I don't like having to put titles, so I probably won't ever unless one just strikes me as appropriate.

I'm working to be more transparent the older I get. Sometimes it is easier than others. So, here goes...

Jeremy and I have lived in Denver for almost two months now and so far it has been really good. There have been some hard times for sure, but overall we have really enjoyed the experience. We are learning to be a married couple. We come from different backgrounds and different living experiences and we are just very different people, so most of our challenges have come from our differences and learning to work and live with each other. However, being married is great. I love coming home to him every day and I love that he is the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning. I am also learning a lot about Jesus through being married and through Jeremy's love for me. Christ's love has been a revolving theme in my life recently and it just blows my mind. He loves me. He. Loves. Me. Insane, but the greatest news ever.

Being a part of Refuge has been such a huge blessing. From day 1, I have been fed and challenged and blessed. Last week, Chris talked about the family of Christ and how it is more important than the families we have here on earth. The timing was purely God's because just that afternoon, driving to church in fact, the homesickness hit me full force for the first time. I cried through most of the service missing my family and friends in Texas, but also so grateful that God had already blessed me with a great family here. It is such a privilege to be a part of something so great.

God is good, even when I don't see it. He has shown us His perfect provision through these past few months and all the changes we've been through. His timing is perfect and He always knows and provides exactly what we need when we need it. It is definitely hard to trust Him some days and it is hard to be away from people I love so much, but I know that this is where God wants us now.

Your Perfect Love is Casting Out Fear...

The Hastings family lost a dear, dear member this week. My cousin Marena died in her sleep Wednesday night. She was 39 years old and left behind a husband, a 9 year old daughter, a 6 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. She died from a genetic heart condition that surfaced in the Hastings family line a few years ago called Long QT syndrome. People with this condition have hearts that take too long to recharge after each beat and therefore run the risk of not recharging at all, a stopped heart. This can be triggered by several different things including sleep, which seems to be the trigger running through the Hastings hearts. Marena was the oldest cousin on my dad's side of the family and was a wonderfully godly woman. I have only been around her for a week every three or four years throughout my life, but I have always loved her dearly. She was funny and wise and an awesome mom.

It took me by complete surprise Thursday morning as I drove to work and I lost it. I have experienced a very wide range of emotions this weekend and I know that its not over yet. I have found great hope in the words of the psalms and in being with people who understand what it is like to lose someone they love. Please pray for our family. Marena was the last of three daughters to my aunt Kathy and uncle Darell who lost the other two when they were much younger to what we now believe was this same condition. My sister Laura and most likely Kim as well will soon be getting ICD's (pacemakers) to help prevent what happened to Marena from happening to them. Another aunt also has one and the rest of our family is continuing testing to determine if anyone else will need the same thing done.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear. And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back, I know You are near.

And I will fear no evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go, in every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go, Lord You never let go of me."

I'm honestly a little jealous because Marena has been with Jesus since Thursday morning. She gets to sing praises to Him while looking at His beautiful face. One day, I'll be there with you Meena...

Soooo... I suck at blogging...

I've thought about getting on here and writing several times in the last four months, but alas it never happened...

So, life at this point is happening fast. I move to Denver in two months. Almost two months to the day actually. And the reality of that sneaks up on me every day. I've known all along that saying yes to this meant that I would be leaving all my family and friends here in Texas, but honestly I've been avoiding dealing with it. Kim is going back to the summer camp she worked at last summer and while I knew this all along, the reality of it hit me last weekend when she told me she was leaving in only a couple weeks, meaning I would have to say my goodbye to her in two weeks. That hit me really hard and my drive home was quite tearful. Then I also started thinking about all the other things I have to think about when moving to another state - finding a job, finding a place to live, having enough money saved to cover all the ridiculous moving expenses and to live on if I can't get a job right away, making ends meet every month after I move, making new friends and then mostly living away from my family and friends. I really kinda had a meltdown. So over the past few days I've been spending alot of time in prayer and in Scripture, doing my best to not be the stubborn and self-reliant person I am, but to give every single one of my cares and worries up to God. I know that He will take care of my every need, but when I think about all of it together, I just feel so overwhelmed. I'm praying for the peace that passes all understanding.

And since Robin tagged me for this, I'll end with something fun...

8 things I am looking forward to
1. being married to Jeremy
2. building a new community called Refuge Community Church
3. living in the glorious mountains and enjoying non-Texas weather
4. living completely on my own for the first time... I think it will be fun
5. not having Trace in my class anymore... little devil child...
6. being able to look at job listings and not think, "Well, crap, I'm not qualified for that one either..."
7. a vacation
8. being able to remember things again

8 things I did yesterday
1. applied for a job that pays really well
2. sat in a pointless and time-wasting staff meeting
3. wore leopard ballet flats... they are super cute
4. ate homemade ice cream
5. got Trace to fall asleep... a miracle.. though it was preceeded by 45 minutes of screaming at me...
6. smiled
7. went to bed early... glorious!!
8. thanked God for the abundance of blessings He's given me

8 things I wish I could do
1. work only because I want to, not because I have to
2. travel internationally and not have to worry about money
3. speak another language
4. sing and/or play an instrument
5. be more patient
6. not learn lessons the hard way ALL the time
7. be disciplined
8. be like Jesus

8 shows I watch (I don't actually watch any TV these days, there's just no time for it, but I really enjoy all these shows and will watch the seasons on DVD faithfully)
1. The Office
2. Friends
3. Heroes
4. Lost
5. Arrested Development
6. Project Runway
7. Top Model
8. Family Guy

I'm just trying to take life one day at a time. I don't always succeed, but with God's grace I remember that His grace is enough for me.

Firsts.....

This past month has been one of firsts for me:

1) first date - dinner at Pappadeaux and a movie at this super cool theater with couches instead of stadium seats.... perfect...
2) first Christmas without my Grandaddy - a little bit surreal... I kept expecting him to come around the corner
3) first boyfriend :)
4) first kiss... my new favorite thing....
5) first time to eat Hibachi.... coolest thing ever... why doesn't every restaurant cook the food in an entertaining style right in front of you?
6) first New Year's Eve where I didn't wish it would hurry up and be midnight so I could go home and go to bed
7) first class at school to be 50% asian... yes I have eight asian kids in my class.... only a couple are actually fluent in english.... it makes for an interesting day....
8) first time to see King Tut.... sooooo cooool...
9) first time to ride the DART train.... its aight....
10) first huge realization that I only have five months left in Texas....


Anyway.... it's been a busy month... but life is good right now. God is really beginning the process of preparing me to make the huge move to Denver in June. The realization that I will be a thousand miles away from my family, most of my closest friends and my boyfriend is really starting to hit me and it's difficult to digest. But I keep reminding myself that Jesus asks us to leave behind family and possessions and follow Him. I can't ignore this direct command. In the New Testament when He asked people to do this, He expected them to do so at the very moment He asked them. In my case, He has shown me an abundance of grace in allowing me 2+ years to prepare. All I can do is say yes and follow where He leads. He is faithful.

Deliberate

I have a few minutes before I have to leave for work, so I thought I'd post. My thanksgiving was wonderful. It was just what I needed - lots of time with family and lots of rest. I went back to work on Monday feeling refreshed and thankful.

I want to be more deliberate about things in my life. I feel as though sometimes I just go through the motions and sure, life still happens and I still build relationships and get things done, but I don't feel as though I am living life deliberately. I feel like my focus is all over the place... and I've just this moment realized why. I'm trying to please each important person in my life separately and completely. I should know this is impossible to do. I can't make one person happy without hurting another, that's just human nature I think. It seems I can't do anything right these days. It's time to refocus. On what's important. And I pray each thing I grit my teeth anxiously about will fall into place and those that don't I pray that God will be gracious in teaching me to deal with them.

My kids continue to be the love of my life. They brighten up my day in ways that are impossible for adults. It's getting close to the time when I tell my boss that she only has me for five/six more months. It should be interesting.

I'm still waiting on the Lord, but geez waiting takes patience, and I find that my kids drain my store of patience pretty thoroughly on a daily basis. So for me to actually be able to say that I am still waiting is all to God's glory, because He has to have given me divine patience in this area because I have waited too long to wait anymore... on my own strength anyway...

Deliberate. I want to be deliberate. I will do things deliberately, with a purpose in mind.