Your Perfect Love is Casting Out Fear...

The Hastings family lost a dear, dear member this week. My cousin Marena died in her sleep Wednesday night. She was 39 years old and left behind a husband, a 9 year old daughter, a 6 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. She died from a genetic heart condition that surfaced in the Hastings family line a few years ago called Long QT syndrome. People with this condition have hearts that take too long to recharge after each beat and therefore run the risk of not recharging at all, a stopped heart. This can be triggered by several different things including sleep, which seems to be the trigger running through the Hastings hearts. Marena was the oldest cousin on my dad's side of the family and was a wonderfully godly woman. I have only been around her for a week every three or four years throughout my life, but I have always loved her dearly. She was funny and wise and an awesome mom.

It took me by complete surprise Thursday morning as I drove to work and I lost it. I have experienced a very wide range of emotions this weekend and I know that its not over yet. I have found great hope in the words of the psalms and in being with people who understand what it is like to lose someone they love. Please pray for our family. Marena was the last of three daughters to my aunt Kathy and uncle Darell who lost the other two when they were much younger to what we now believe was this same condition. My sister Laura and most likely Kim as well will soon be getting ICD's (pacemakers) to help prevent what happened to Marena from happening to them. Another aunt also has one and the rest of our family is continuing testing to determine if anyone else will need the same thing done.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear. And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back, I know You are near.

And I will fear no evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go, in every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go, Lord You never let go of me."

I'm honestly a little jealous because Marena has been with Jesus since Thursday morning. She gets to sing praises to Him while looking at His beautiful face. One day, I'll be there with you Meena...

Soooo... I suck at blogging...

I've thought about getting on here and writing several times in the last four months, but alas it never happened...

So, life at this point is happening fast. I move to Denver in two months. Almost two months to the day actually. And the reality of that sneaks up on me every day. I've known all along that saying yes to this meant that I would be leaving all my family and friends here in Texas, but honestly I've been avoiding dealing with it. Kim is going back to the summer camp she worked at last summer and while I knew this all along, the reality of it hit me last weekend when she told me she was leaving in only a couple weeks, meaning I would have to say my goodbye to her in two weeks. That hit me really hard and my drive home was quite tearful. Then I also started thinking about all the other things I have to think about when moving to another state - finding a job, finding a place to live, having enough money saved to cover all the ridiculous moving expenses and to live on if I can't get a job right away, making ends meet every month after I move, making new friends and then mostly living away from my family and friends. I really kinda had a meltdown. So over the past few days I've been spending alot of time in prayer and in Scripture, doing my best to not be the stubborn and self-reliant person I am, but to give every single one of my cares and worries up to God. I know that He will take care of my every need, but when I think about all of it together, I just feel so overwhelmed. I'm praying for the peace that passes all understanding.

And since Robin tagged me for this, I'll end with something fun...

8 things I am looking forward to
1. being married to Jeremy
2. building a new community called Refuge Community Church
3. living in the glorious mountains and enjoying non-Texas weather
4. living completely on my own for the first time... I think it will be fun
5. not having Trace in my class anymore... little devil child...
6. being able to look at job listings and not think, "Well, crap, I'm not qualified for that one either..."
7. a vacation
8. being able to remember things again

8 things I did yesterday
1. applied for a job that pays really well
2. sat in a pointless and time-wasting staff meeting
3. wore leopard ballet flats... they are super cute
4. ate homemade ice cream
5. got Trace to fall asleep... a miracle.. though it was preceeded by 45 minutes of screaming at me...
6. smiled
7. went to bed early... glorious!!
8. thanked God for the abundance of blessings He's given me

8 things I wish I could do
1. work only because I want to, not because I have to
2. travel internationally and not have to worry about money
3. speak another language
4. sing and/or play an instrument
5. be more patient
6. not learn lessons the hard way ALL the time
7. be disciplined
8. be like Jesus

8 shows I watch (I don't actually watch any TV these days, there's just no time for it, but I really enjoy all these shows and will watch the seasons on DVD faithfully)
1. The Office
2. Friends
3. Heroes
4. Lost
5. Arrested Development
6. Project Runway
7. Top Model
8. Family Guy

I'm just trying to take life one day at a time. I don't always succeed, but with God's grace I remember that His grace is enough for me.

Firsts.....

This past month has been one of firsts for me:

1) first date - dinner at Pappadeaux and a movie at this super cool theater with couches instead of stadium seats.... perfect...
2) first Christmas without my Grandaddy - a little bit surreal... I kept expecting him to come around the corner
3) first boyfriend :)
4) first kiss... my new favorite thing....
5) first time to eat Hibachi.... coolest thing ever... why doesn't every restaurant cook the food in an entertaining style right in front of you?
6) first New Year's Eve where I didn't wish it would hurry up and be midnight so I could go home and go to bed
7) first class at school to be 50% asian... yes I have eight asian kids in my class.... only a couple are actually fluent in english.... it makes for an interesting day....
8) first time to see King Tut.... sooooo cooool...
9) first time to ride the DART train.... its aight....
10) first huge realization that I only have five months left in Texas....


Anyway.... it's been a busy month... but life is good right now. God is really beginning the process of preparing me to make the huge move to Denver in June. The realization that I will be a thousand miles away from my family, most of my closest friends and my boyfriend is really starting to hit me and it's difficult to digest. But I keep reminding myself that Jesus asks us to leave behind family and possessions and follow Him. I can't ignore this direct command. In the New Testament when He asked people to do this, He expected them to do so at the very moment He asked them. In my case, He has shown me an abundance of grace in allowing me 2+ years to prepare. All I can do is say yes and follow where He leads. He is faithful.