A Quiet Heart

I want to preface this by saying first to those who do read this, I'm sorry if this seems to be a sad type of blog, but I find that I am most in a writing mood when my spirit has been crushed. Tonight it is only slightly crushed, but I find myself in the zone to write. Secondly, I don't know who actually reads this, so I apologize if the things I say tonight are vague.

There have been some interesting things in my life these days. Two things that lay at the forefront. One is a difficulty that I have been wrestling with for some time now and when it seems to be changing for the better, I turn the corner and there is another dark valley. I feel like I know a fraction of the emotions a mother goes through when her children grow up and she slowly realizes that they don't need her as much anymore, that they have found others to "take her place", so to speak. Of course, they could never love the others as much as their dear mother, at least not for a long time maybe and there will always be a very special place in their heart for their mother, but nonetheless, she is needed and relied upon and thought of less and less. That is how I feel. The difficult thing with this is when I am alone with me and my thoughts and the Lord, I can claim the promises of God and pray until I feel I have peace about it, but as soon as this situation presents itself, which is often, I just don't know how to act. I fumble alot and probably come off looking like a jerk. Ay, this is my biggest trouble these days. It brings tears to my eyes and I don't know how to move past it when it so blatantly stares me in the face.

The other interesting thing is just that: interesting. I did my time of unfulfilling foolishness for this one. And thankfully I am out of that and prayerfully will stay out of it. Now my "lot and my portion" is to wait. And Lord knows how difficult it is for me to wait.

But not all is dark and gloom. Most days in fact are covered in sunshine. Here are just some of those heart-warming rays:

-the sound of pounding rain on my roof right now

-a sweet and sincere compliment

-making dinner for friends

-50 cent movies

-the warmth of my kids faces against my cold hands every morning

-the contagious giggling of Maddie

-Sophia's loving cry of "Befney!!" followed by her small arms tight around my neck

-Jessika and Meagan fighting over who gets to sit in my lap

-the way Gabriel says my name - "Tetaly"

-the outcries of "Bethany I took a nap for you!" when I come back from my lunch break

-good hair days

-knowing that I have accomplished something

Yes, my kids dominate those rays of sunshine. Kids have an innate ability to heal a wounded heart. They are just good for the soul. But there are other people as well who make me smile wide at the way they touch my life without even knowing it.

These words have been great comfort to me:

" 'Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure.' Psalm 16:5 My portion. My cup. My lot is secure. My heart can be at peace. My Father is in charge. How simple! ... A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace." -Elisabeth Elliot

And so I pray for a quiet heart.