Deliberate

I have a few minutes before I have to leave for work, so I thought I'd post. My thanksgiving was wonderful. It was just what I needed - lots of time with family and lots of rest. I went back to work on Monday feeling refreshed and thankful.

I want to be more deliberate about things in my life. I feel as though sometimes I just go through the motions and sure, life still happens and I still build relationships and get things done, but I don't feel as though I am living life deliberately. I feel like my focus is all over the place... and I've just this moment realized why. I'm trying to please each important person in my life separately and completely. I should know this is impossible to do. I can't make one person happy without hurting another, that's just human nature I think. It seems I can't do anything right these days. It's time to refocus. On what's important. And I pray each thing I grit my teeth anxiously about will fall into place and those that don't I pray that God will be gracious in teaching me to deal with them.

My kids continue to be the love of my life. They brighten up my day in ways that are impossible for adults. It's getting close to the time when I tell my boss that she only has me for five/six more months. It should be interesting.

I'm still waiting on the Lord, but geez waiting takes patience, and I find that my kids drain my store of patience pretty thoroughly on a daily basis. So for me to actually be able to say that I am still waiting is all to God's glory, because He has to have given me divine patience in this area because I have waited too long to wait anymore... on my own strength anyway...

Deliberate. I want to be deliberate. I will do things deliberately, with a purpose in mind.

Wanna Be

One of the songs my kids sang in our Thanksgiving program has got me thinking these past few days. This is how it goes...

I like to think about the goodness of the Lord
He gives me everything I need and so much more
So I just wanna lift my hands and say that I love Him
I wanna lift my heart in praise

I wanna be thankful
I wanna be grateful
I wanna remember everything that the Lord has done
I wanna be thankful
I wanna be grateful
I wanna be I wanna be

The words made me think about all the times in the Old Testament that the Isrealites were told to tell future generations about all that the Lord had done so that His name would be great. Well at this time, as the year is getting closer to its end, I want to do just that. I want "think about the goodness of the Lord" and "remember everything that the Lord has done."

Sometimes I wonder why the Lord moved me out of Brownwood. I look back on it now and don't remember any reason that I left. I just did. But also looking back now, I'm beginning to see some of the reasons why. The year that I lived in Fort Worth was such a strange year. It started off kinda rough with no job and all. I thought that had found something really great when I started working full time at Sylvan, but then it turned out to be filled with crap. And in the year that I was living there, I never made any friends (except two at work) or found a church to be involved in. It was such a weird year, it almost seemed pointless. Obviously it wasn't, I learned some important lessons in that year and have some great memories with Sarah. And I still don't know all the ways that the Lord used that year to change me and to mold me, but it was definitely a year of waiting and learning and God was always faithful. He always
gave "me everything I need and so much more."

When I moved to Garland to live with Erin and Kat I had no idea what God had in store. On the days that I was able to teach at Sylvan, I found that I really enjoyed working with the younger kids and had kind of always wanted to work with them. So, thankfully even though I'd never had any actual experience working in a preschool setting, God was faithful and sent me to someone who believed in me. Working with preschool kids I have found where I am supposed to be. I have never felt so fulfilled in a job before and love every day I am there. I have learned so much about kids, about education, about parenting, about myself and about life. I have a close group of friends that I love dearly and I have a great church that I've been involved in for a year now. The Lord is grooming me for an exciting future in Denver with good friends. And while in this past year I have dealt with some really hard things, the Lord was always faithful even when I didn't feel Him near. When Erin and I prayed to meet people and have friends to hang out with in this new city, God sent us a life group filled with the very people who are my dearest friends right now. Every single time I have prayed for financial help (and even the times I have been too proud to ask for help), God has provided for my every need, down to the cent. I have never gone hungry. I have never even gone without some things that are not necessities (tv, internet, clothes I hardly wear). When my grandaddy died, the Lord surrounded me with family and people who were eager to soothe and comfort. When half of my family went jobless for long periods of time, God never once failed to provide comfort, encouragament and food on the table every night. And even now in the struggles of learning to let go of people I love and learning to trust that God will follow through on the deepest desires of my heart in His own time, He is still faithful. It may be little things that show me He is still working all things for my good, or sometimes I may not even believe that, but looking back and seeing the way He has worked in the past, I can only fall on my knees and praise Him. He. is. soo. faithful.

So "I wanna be thankful
I wanna be grateful
I wanna remember everything that the Lord has done
I wanna be thankful
I wanna be grateful."

Lord, I wanna be. I am. I'm grateful for your faithfulness. Your unfailing, neverending faithfulness. Even in the dark. Faithfulness. "I just wanna lift my hands and say that I love Him."

A Quiet Heart

I want to preface this by saying first to those who do read this, I'm sorry if this seems to be a sad type of blog, but I find that I am most in a writing mood when my spirit has been crushed. Tonight it is only slightly crushed, but I find myself in the zone to write. Secondly, I don't know who actually reads this, so I apologize if the things I say tonight are vague.

There have been some interesting things in my life these days. Two things that lay at the forefront. One is a difficulty that I have been wrestling with for some time now and when it seems to be changing for the better, I turn the corner and there is another dark valley. I feel like I know a fraction of the emotions a mother goes through when her children grow up and she slowly realizes that they don't need her as much anymore, that they have found others to "take her place", so to speak. Of course, they could never love the others as much as their dear mother, at least not for a long time maybe and there will always be a very special place in their heart for their mother, but nonetheless, she is needed and relied upon and thought of less and less. That is how I feel. The difficult thing with this is when I am alone with me and my thoughts and the Lord, I can claim the promises of God and pray until I feel I have peace about it, but as soon as this situation presents itself, which is often, I just don't know how to act. I fumble alot and probably come off looking like a jerk. Ay, this is my biggest trouble these days. It brings tears to my eyes and I don't know how to move past it when it so blatantly stares me in the face.

The other interesting thing is just that: interesting. I did my time of unfulfilling foolishness for this one. And thankfully I am out of that and prayerfully will stay out of it. Now my "lot and my portion" is to wait. And Lord knows how difficult it is for me to wait.

But not all is dark and gloom. Most days in fact are covered in sunshine. Here are just some of those heart-warming rays:

-the sound of pounding rain on my roof right now

-a sweet and sincere compliment

-making dinner for friends

-50 cent movies

-the warmth of my kids faces against my cold hands every morning

-the contagious giggling of Maddie

-Sophia's loving cry of "Befney!!" followed by her small arms tight around my neck

-Jessika and Meagan fighting over who gets to sit in my lap

-the way Gabriel says my name - "Tetaly"

-the outcries of "Bethany I took a nap for you!" when I come back from my lunch break

-good hair days

-knowing that I have accomplished something

Yes, my kids dominate those rays of sunshine. Kids have an innate ability to heal a wounded heart. They are just good for the soul. But there are other people as well who make me smile wide at the way they touch my life without even knowing it.

These words have been great comfort to me:

" 'Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure.' Psalm 16:5 My portion. My cup. My lot is secure. My heart can be at peace. My Father is in charge. How simple! ... A quiet heart is content with what God gives. It is enough. All is grace." -Elisabeth Elliot

And so I pray for a quiet heart.

Fun with iTunes

Just something fun... hit shuffle on your iTunes and see what happens..

How am I feeling today?
Breathe by Sixpence None the Richer

Will I get far in life?
Who You Are by Nichole Nordeman

How do my friends see me?
Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers

When will I get Married?
Simple Melody by Sonya Kitchell


Will I ever have children?
Deathbed by Relient K (that's so sad...)




What is my current theme song?
Dare You To Move by Switchfoot




What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Wonderful Maker by Matt Redman

What is my best friend's theme song?
Adonai by O.C. Supertones

What is the story of my life?
Pass Me Not by Robbie Seay Band

What was highschool like?
The Long Way Around by Dixie Chicks (hahaha... ironic)

How can I get ahead in life?
Why by Nichole Nordeman

What is the best thing about me?
You Answer Me by Nichole Nordeman

How is today going to be?
Run To You by Ginny Owens (I'm already feeling that...)

What is in store for this weekend?
Anything by Third Day

What is the perfect song to describe my parents?
Hold On To Jesus by O.C. Supertones (true.)

To describe my grandparents?
Hotel Song by Regina Spektor

How is my life going?
Mystery of Mercy by Caedmon's Call (also true.)

What song will they play at my funeral?
Thriller by Michael Jackson (hahaha...)

How does the world see me?
Can't Hurry Love by Phil Collins (this is my life story... clearly...)

Will I have a happy life?
Samson by Regina Spektor

What do my friends really think of me?
Miles Apart by Yellowcard (aw.)

How can I make myself happy?
Nothing Without You by Bebo Norman

What should I do with my life?
She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5

What is some good advice for me?
Lullaby by Dixie Chicks

How will I be remembered?
Echo by Incubus

What is my signature dancing song?
Feelings Show by Colbie Caillat


Seriously, out of 4000+ songs, thats what iTunes came up with? Geez, I think my shuffle might be broken...

Just wanted to give an update.... after much waiting and praying each member of my family is once again employed. As my father would say, "Well praise the Lord."

God is working on so many things in my heart right now. Plucking out things that keep me from Him. Some days it is not so fun. Some days it is easier to see the blessing in this. I'm starting to see so much correlation between the way my kids act toward me and the way I act toward God, in good and bad ways. I'm starting to understand why kids act out sometimes, but also why they hold on so tightly. Sigh. I just pray that when I come out of the fire, I will be pure gold.

when it rains, it pours...

One of my dear, dear friends lost her father to cancer on Sunday. The funeral was today and I didn't think I was going to cry, but I did, like a baby. There were so many emotions going through me that all I knew to do was cry. I felt a terrible pain for Jodi and not even being able to imagine what she must be going through, grief for my grandaddy who's only been gone a month rose back to the surface, and then the waterworks really came when I thought about my own precious father and what I would do if I was in Jodi's place.

Tuesday was a difficult day. I found out that morning that Gretchen lost her job at Starbucks for a grave misunderstanding and mistake. The moment I found out it was like a kick in the gut. I lost it. I took my makeup to work that day because I knew it would probably get cried off at least once. And it did. Twice. This is the thing I hate about being grown up and not living at home - I had to sit on the phone and listen to my dear sister cry and only cry with her, I couldn't hug her and hold her tight. That was torture. I had a crisis of faith Tuesday. My head knew all the right answers - God is in control, All things work together for the good of those who love Him, He is still faithful and never lets us go, Rejoice when you are faced with trials because it will refine you, this is not a surprise to Him... blah blah blah... my head knew all that. It took the rest of the day for my heart to know it too. I talked to every member of my family that day. That was good. Thinking of Jodi and another friend who is unsure of their father's faith, I talked to my Dad that night and told him how much I loved him and was so glad to still have him and that I was so very grateful that he never lost his faith (at least to our eyes), that he was always there for us to trust and to trust that He was trusting the Lord. And in the pure humility that is my dad, even at this time when he has still had no luck with jobs, all he said was, "Well, Praise the Lord. He is good." Then my heart knew.

I don't know what all of this is that God is doing, but I know His promises and I will lean on those.

"You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your Name."

"His wife said to him, 'Are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God and die.' But Job replied, 'You talk like a foolish woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?' So in all this, Job said nothing wrong."

If there is one thing I believe...

There has been a theme emerging in my life lately. This earth and the things of it fail. Sometimes they even fail miserably. Money... look at our economy... do I need to say much more? Our bodies and our health fail. Friends, even family are not always there. But here's my theme... God doesn't fail. He "is the same yesterday, today, and forever." That's really all I need to know isn't it?

Some echoes...

"Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades"

"When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay"

"Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse because it is built on bedrock."

"If there is one thing I believe, it is this: God is faithful."

It is well....

Today at church, our guest worship leader was really open with us about things that had been going on in his life and the grace that God poured out on him despite his disobedience. It was really refreshing to hear such gut-wrenching honesty in church. You don't see it much anymore these days. Firewheel is pretty good about it, but it's still a church full of humans so, you know... Well, I was inspired, so here's some honesty...

I'm moving to Denver in eight months to start a church with friends. God called me to do this and I'm still not sure why. I have said yes and will not question his leading, but I am very interested to see what part He has me to play in it. I'm excited about it because it's so full of risk and it will require me to step out into what seems to be an empty space and trust that I will fall on the grace of God. I will be pulled and pushed and changed and worked on and prayerfully, I will become a different person, someone that is less like me and more like God. I'm scared about it because it's so full of risk and I'm still learning to trust God with the unknown. This will require money. Money to move me and all my crap up there, money saved up to live on in case I don't get a job right away. I'm scared because I don't make much money. I'm not a theologically smart person. I know the basics, but if you throw out too many seminary words, you'll lose me completely. Sometimes it's hard for me to meet new people. I can be very shy and awkward. My dad has been without a job for almost a month now... when will he find something and where in this country will God take him? My sweet sweet roommate is dating someone. This kind of thing is brand new for us and I haven't exactly taken it easily. I never realized till now that I didn't like sharing her. We've had some tearful talks and things are looking up, but that's today, I could be bombarded with more lies from the deceiver tomorrow that are easier to believe. I have wondered if she is not meant to come to Denver with me and this is God's plan to wean me off her constant companionship. That's another thing that scares me. My weeks have been emotional lately. I lost the one grandaddy I really knew. I cried about that. I had to watch my uncle who doesn't know the sweet hope that Jesus provides grieve terribly when he saw his daddy's empty shell. I cried about that too. Tears are good for the soul. They remind me that I'm fragile and that I'm not invincible. That I need Jesus, that I need people. They also make me feel alive. Hugs also make me feel alive. Through it all, I wake up everyday and pray desperately to know Jesus, to be changed to be like Him, to experience His grace that day. Just as the worship leader this morning saw grace in the sunrise, God gives it in various ways to me. Today it was in this:

"Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."